Rated R for Sexual Content

 Okay, here goes the “waaay, waaay too personal” type of blog I was talking about…Alex raw, unedited, & completely honest.

 Sex.

 It’s one of those subjects…you’re taught not to really talk about it or think about it, and if you do, it’s bad…so, the subject of sex becomes taboo.  But then when you’re older, they tell you it’s good to talk about it…with your parents, your partners, etc.  It’s all around a hypocritical subject…no one can be wrong, no one can be right…

 Here’s my confession about sex…

I have been obsessed with sex for years.  It’s one of those subjects that fascinates me.  When I was about nine, ten-ish…HBO used to still somewhat come on cable TV…it was fuzzy…& I would watch that super awkward “Real Sex” documentary type thing that would talk about sexual extremes of things.  I remember something with saddles & whips, & another couple making a mold out of her twolly for her husband to wear as a necklace. AWKWARD.  I felt horrible.  I knew I was doing something wrong, but I was so intrigued by it.  I was ashamed about it, so I pretended to be completely oblivious on the subject.  Then when I got older, when boys started making dirty jokes & such…some of them I really was oblivious to & others were just so awkward to recognize I just decided to play dumb.  I am still to this day fascinated by sex.  I think about it way more than I should.  I talk about the sex lives of people I know too frequently, when it is none of my business & one of the very reasons I have decided not to have sex yet.  I am a virgin, however, having sex probably would be no more morally wrong than things I have already done.  Sin is sin to God, I know.  So what’s holding me back?  To be honest, I have a good head on my shoulders.  I’m already on birth control & I know not to have sex without extra protection (unlike some of my friends but I’ll save that rant for another day).  I love my boyfriend, he’s my best friend & I know we have a long journey ahead of us & we’ve talked about it.  He respects me & is patient with me, & will wait as long as I want.  He actually loves that I want to wait.  I’m just not ready to give up that sense of innocence…I say that after I talk about how not innocent I am…hypocritical? Maybe.  I think kids are forced to lose their sense of innocence earlier & earlier now a days…it hurts.  It makes me worry about my future kids.  Hopefully my fear of disapproval will transfer to them haha!  Which is what I’ve finally found as one of the reasons I won’t have sex yet.  Here comes even more hypocrisy: I’m only 20, I have plenty of time to have sex with the one I love…I’m 20, I’m an adult but I also seek the approval of my parents & other people.  Nobody really cares about virginity now a days, but when some people do find out some one’s a virgin there’s always that “what?! Nu uh…are you really?” “I don’t believe you!” “Why?”  then the, “that’s really cool” “I respect that, that’s awesome” yada yada…it makes you feel good, especially when the conversation continues & they lead into talking about girls they consider whores. 

 

BUT

 

I also sometimes wonder if later on I’ll regret not living in the moment & experiencing that passion while I’m young.  My boyfriend, Drake, & I have had conversations about this…The Bible says wait till marriage, they also married a lot younger in those days…but then again nobody really knows how time was measured then either.  Kinda confusing for a girl with hormones, a ticking biological clock, and the mind set not to get married until I’m 25, 26ish. Lately, I’ve been thinking about how sometimes my head might be on a little too tight.  I’m only 20 and I already wonder about what I might regret when I’m 40, 60, 80 and how my body is already showing signs of aging…A bit of honesty, I’ve never been completely happy with my body & never will be, but this is probably the best it’s gonna get & I want someone to have me at my best haha (aah that may have been too much…whatevs.)...I want to be able to live in the moment more, seize the day, and experience that passion and share that with somebody I’m completely in love with & not care what my parents might say (even though my mother has been showing signs of knowing I could have sex any minute & being okay with it) or anybody else. 

Lately I’ve also been feeling like “the last unicorn” (See Community) among all my friends from home.  Everybody is having sex. Everybody.  & I kinda like being the one who’s stuck to her guns thus far.  It’s a guilty pleasure.

 

Anyways,  there’s no point here.  Just me, being completely raw & unedited (not something I’m used to). I just kind of thought getting all this out there might help me sort things out a little.  Um, it didn’t.  It just helped me realize how hypocritical all my thoughts on it are.  If anybody reads this, sorry for getting tooo personal on only the second post, but this is something I’ve been plagued with lately & needed to talk about…& thanks for listening.  J

 

Love love.