Rant Sesh Numero Two

Overwhelmed.
With what? School just started today.
That's it, I'm overwhelmed with NOTHING. & it stresses me out!

Lately I've been feeling like I've accomplished nothing in my 20 years of existance. zip. zero. nada. I've done nothing. & now I'm in this huge rush to get things started & there's so many things I want to do! Make new friends, PNB internship (waiting on response), get a job (waiting on internship), take dance classes on Main St (have to go see them), waiting to get out of here & get a new REAL apartment and a job(s) that would eventually hopefully lead to NYC or California...I feel like I'm having to wait on a lot, but at the same time I feel like I shouldn't wait & should just go because I'm wasting my time.

People keep asking me what I want to do...to be honest...I want to perform. I want to dance & I want to act. I won't tell anybody that though because then I feel like I'm pressured to do something awesome or else they'll laugh at me. & then there's that fear of not making it or that I'm not trying hard enough or not taking the right steps. If I don't get to perform however, I'd love to be working the camera.
If that doesn't work out...I could be an awesome house wife...& I've thought about opening a formal/wedding/pageant/prom dress shop...I dooo love dresses. But I still won't feel like I've accomplished anything & that I've failed to reach other people's expectations of me...& mine.

My ultimate dream job though to be honest...what I might could see me doing, maybe...I'd looove to be on a weekly show...like a funny light show that everybody keeps up with from week to week. I'd LOVE it. You become this character, the audience gets the feeling they know you, you possibly have a steady job for a few years, and a good income (if it's a good show). I'd be in heaven.

BUT as of right now...I'm waiting...waiting to move into a new apartment...waiting to hear from a possible internship...waiting to see if I should get a job instead...waiting to move away...waiting to do something. & I'm going NUTS.

NEXT RANT SESH SUBJECT: Alcohol.

Some [Post]Secrets I've Saved

I'll be there for yoooouu

Hokay, so this year I've been forced to rethink my friendships. I've realized those that aren't so good for me, some that need more attention, and some that need to be made. In the beginning of 2009, I realized that my best friend, or the person I considered my best friend for years, wasn't really my best friend anymore. It's not necessarily a bad thing. We are just two different people with completely different interest in what we do and wanna do. Kate is also extremely hard to make plans with. Lindsey (our other best friend) and I planned to have a night the three of us. Lindsey & I got together at about 8 and Kate kept putting of joining us intil 12:30 in the morning. I guess you could say that was the last straw. She never invites us to anything. Anytime I try to make plans with her she's either busy or she changes the plans. I guess things like this happen when we get older & have serious boyfriends & yada yada, but I can't help to be a little hurt by it. It's like she puts me on the back burner cause she knows I'll always be there. Lindsey, is definitely the best friend I need, she always encourages me to go after what I want, she understands long distance relationships & gives me advice, she makes time for me, she's up for anything, and we're interested in similair things. & I've realized these titles make me sound 5 yrs old, but I've always kindve been overprotective/jealous/& selfish about my friends. I just like to know where I stand with them, and vice versa.

I've also decided to hopefully join Phi Mu, if they're taking new members, of course. My boyfriend pointed out to me I hang out with a lot of guys, but it's because most of my close friends are all spread out all over the place. It'd be nice to have a group of girl friends brought together by one common thing. I've secretly always wanted to join a sorority, but a lot of people in Media Arts will ask if I'm in one, I say no, & they're like "oh, thank God"...I definitely understand I guess, some girls do live up to the stereotype...but most girls I know in sororities are awesome...so I've decided for sure, I'm going for it...maybe soon I'll be wearing greek letters :)

Rated R for Sexual Content

 Okay, here goes the “waaay, waaay too personal” type of blog I was talking about…Alex raw, unedited, & completely honest.

 Sex.

 It’s one of those subjects…you’re taught not to really talk about it or think about it, and if you do, it’s bad…so, the subject of sex becomes taboo.  But then when you’re older, they tell you it’s good to talk about it…with your parents, your partners, etc.  It’s all around a hypocritical subject…no one can be wrong, no one can be right…

 Here’s my confession about sex…

I have been obsessed with sex for years.  It’s one of those subjects that fascinates me.  When I was about nine, ten-ish…HBO used to still somewhat come on cable TV…it was fuzzy…& I would watch that super awkward “Real Sex” documentary type thing that would talk about sexual extremes of things.  I remember something with saddles & whips, & another couple making a mold out of her twolly for her husband to wear as a necklace. AWKWARD.  I felt horrible.  I knew I was doing something wrong, but I was so intrigued by it.  I was ashamed about it, so I pretended to be completely oblivious on the subject.  Then when I got older, when boys started making dirty jokes & such…some of them I really was oblivious to & others were just so awkward to recognize I just decided to play dumb.  I am still to this day fascinated by sex.  I think about it way more than I should.  I talk about the sex lives of people I know too frequently, when it is none of my business & one of the very reasons I have decided not to have sex yet.  I am a virgin, however, having sex probably would be no more morally wrong than things I have already done.  Sin is sin to God, I know.  So what’s holding me back?  To be honest, I have a good head on my shoulders.  I’m already on birth control & I know not to have sex without extra protection (unlike some of my friends but I’ll save that rant for another day).  I love my boyfriend, he’s my best friend & I know we have a long journey ahead of us & we’ve talked about it.  He respects me & is patient with me, & will wait as long as I want.  He actually loves that I want to wait.  I’m just not ready to give up that sense of innocence…I say that after I talk about how not innocent I am…hypocritical? Maybe.  I think kids are forced to lose their sense of innocence earlier & earlier now a days…it hurts.  It makes me worry about my future kids.  Hopefully my fear of disapproval will transfer to them haha!  Which is what I’ve finally found as one of the reasons I won’t have sex yet.  Here comes even more hypocrisy: I’m only 20, I have plenty of time to have sex with the one I love…I’m 20, I’m an adult but I also seek the approval of my parents & other people.  Nobody really cares about virginity now a days, but when some people do find out some one’s a virgin there’s always that “what?! Nu uh…are you really?” “I don’t believe you!” “Why?”  then the, “that’s really cool” “I respect that, that’s awesome” yada yada…it makes you feel good, especially when the conversation continues & they lead into talking about girls they consider whores. 

 

BUT

 

I also sometimes wonder if later on I’ll regret not living in the moment & experiencing that passion while I’m young.  My boyfriend, Drake, & I have had conversations about this…The Bible says wait till marriage, they also married a lot younger in those days…but then again nobody really knows how time was measured then either.  Kinda confusing for a girl with hormones, a ticking biological clock, and the mind set not to get married until I’m 25, 26ish. Lately, I’ve been thinking about how sometimes my head might be on a little too tight.  I’m only 20 and I already wonder about what I might regret when I’m 40, 60, 80 and how my body is already showing signs of aging…A bit of honesty, I’ve never been completely happy with my body & never will be, but this is probably the best it’s gonna get & I want someone to have me at my best haha (aah that may have been too much…whatevs.)...I want to be able to live in the moment more, seize the day, and experience that passion and share that with somebody I’m completely in love with & not care what my parents might say (even though my mother has been showing signs of knowing I could have sex any minute & being okay with it) or anybody else. 

Lately I’ve also been feeling like “the last unicorn” (See Community) among all my friends from home.  Everybody is having sex. Everybody.  & I kinda like being the one who’s stuck to her guns thus far.  It’s a guilty pleasure.

 

Anyways,  there’s no point here.  Just me, being completely raw & unedited (not something I’m used to). I just kind of thought getting all this out there might help me sort things out a little.  Um, it didn’t.  It just helped me realize how hypocritical all my thoughts on it are.  If anybody reads this, sorry for getting tooo personal on only the second post, but this is something I’ve been plagued with lately & needed to talk about…& thanks for listening.  J

 

Love love.

The Controversy..

So, I’ve decided I need a venting zone…Twitter’s not cutting it & I’m tired of all my twitter followers thinking I’m over emo. However, I have a couple issues with blogging:  I will be waaay, waaay too personal, people I know may read this & be offended, concerned, or find out too much, etc.  I’m also a sucker for seeking approval and am a liiiittle concerned about how the content of this blog may be turned against me.  My problem with just keeping a journal, which would be the safer option, is that it won’t give me the same satisfaction of getting things off my chest.  So here it goes.  I’m blogging.  Take it as you will.  But these are just my inner struggles out in the open.  I need it.