I don't know why I'm putting my personal life on the internet but...

So, I haven't blogged in a long time. So long that reading all of my old posts feels like reading my 13-15 year old diary...cringe worthy. It all seems so irrelevant, for the most part. Still needing that life coach...But aside from that, I had a very interesting weekend. Nothing interesting to anyone else, but it was a weekend that made me realize & question a lot. Let me start from the beginning...
A few weeks ago, I had a dream that I ran into an ex boyfriend that I dated for a couple of years. The encounter in the dream was awkward, but a good awkward. An "All is forgiven, we can clear the air," awkward. Woke up thinking it was real, couldn't stop thinking about it. A few days ago, my mom asked me, completely out of the blue, if I would ever think about getting back together with said ex. I was taken aback by the question because I haven't really thought about it, and I was still thinking about the dream I had. But, I brushed it off. Tried not to think any more about it. Well, Saturday night comes around, I go with some friends (& another ex) to a friend's house, and who is there? Who else but the ex I dreamed I talked to, the one my mom asked about, the one I haven't seen since we broke up 3 years ago. This encounter, to say the least, was painfully awkward. I froze. I really wish I could have dealt with it in a more mature manner (or taken a stronge shot or two), but I don't deal with drama/conflict well in the first place. I stood there awkwardly behind a counter, never said a word, never made eye contact, nothing. I really wish I could have spoken, but what the crap do you say in that situation?!
I know God gives us some dreams to speak to us in some way...but I'm really actually a little freaked by this happening. I've never had anything like this happen before. My question is, what now? Am I supposed to act on this in some way? Initiate some contact to "clear the air" like in the dream? Was the run in a door opening? Was revisiting my past a sign to change my present for a better future?
The rest of this weekend I spent apparently reliving all of my past boyfriends. I spent time with/saw 3 out of 4 of my ex boyfriends, and my current on/off again decided he wants to end things or at least take a legit "break". Oh, and my daddy basically asked me if I was a lesbian.
I take this as a sign I need to step up and fix things in the relationship department of my life. And maybe some other places.

Life Coach Wanted

I need help and some advice...& maybe a life coach

...& a therapist.

So, I love my boyfriend...there's no way I'd go through all the things he puts me through unless I did, and no other reason as to why I would put up with his crap. I don't normally cry over boys...I cried over my first boyfriend a couple times...I dated a guy for two years, cried once after it was over...but this guy...thiiis one makes me cry hard, & often...& sometimes I wonder if I'm supposed to put up with it, or if it's a bad sign..if love is supposed to challenge you like this. He's definitely helped me grow up some. Half of the time he makes me feel like I'm on top of the world, but other days he makes me feel like I'm the biggest screw up & the way I live my life is wrong.
Like today, & a few times before...we got in a huge fight...he says I constantly try to please other people, guilty. I'm a people pleaser..making people happy makes me happy. But he says I do it to the point I put him on the back burner & put all these "people who dont even matter" ahead of him. First difference between us is...I believe all people matter. People come into your life for a reason, I like to make friends and maintain relationships and make people happy. He, on the other hand, thinks you only have a certain few you should commit time to...mainly because we're getting older & apparently the older you are the less friends you have? I don't know...I guess I'm just realizing how different we are & how our views of life & how to live it are opposites...I like to be busy & around others & happy & trying new things...he always tells me I'm "so happy all the time it's sickening" & that I need to realize not everything can be accomplished...He also wants way more than I can give him right now..I'm not ready to commit so much to a guy that I don't have any free weekends with friends, or time to travel/be selfish & chase my dreams, or give up my guy friends...I'm only 20...maybe I'm being selfish...I didn't get out much in highschool so I'm excited to be able to have fun, let loose, & "be free" in my 20's...I don't want to settle down yet. Is that wrong?

My questions are...how do you know when someone is meant to be in your life for good, or just temporarily? How do you know when enough is enough? & How do you know if opposites really do attract in all aspects? & How do you know when it's time to quit living for just yourself & begin thinking about settling down? I suppose that comes at different times for everyone...but sometimes I get scared I'll accidentally let go the one God intended for me & I'll end up a 40 yr old virgin cat lady.

I'm doing it...

I've already sent in my information for an application. I'm nervous. & excited.

Time to start a legit diet/workout routine for swimsuit!

Apples to Apples

This is why Post Secret is one of my favorite things. it's the little things like this that remind me what my momma told me for years, "people are just people." Sure, that's common knowledge, but I get intimidated very easily. By anyone. Some days, I'm fine & could care less...but most days, I'm super self conscious & intimidated by most people. It's usually because I want to talk to them & I want them to like me & be my friend, I get nervous & can't think of anything to say & get scared that I'll call them the wrong name...& then when I do say something, it's usually mildly "ruhtarded." Anyways, avoiding getting into my self confidence issues, this post secret reminds me that "everybody puts their pants on one leg at a time"..."everybody poops"...everybody has to peel that stupid little sticker off their apple & dispose of it somewhere...usually on a friend. & it makes me happy :)

Rant Sesh Numero Two

Overwhelmed.
With what? School just started today.
That's it, I'm overwhelmed with NOTHING. & it stresses me out!

Lately I've been feeling like I've accomplished nothing in my 20 years of existance. zip. zero. nada. I've done nothing. & now I'm in this huge rush to get things started & there's so many things I want to do! Make new friends, PNB internship (waiting on response), get a job (waiting on internship), take dance classes on Main St (have to go see them), waiting to get out of here & get a new REAL apartment and a job(s) that would eventually hopefully lead to NYC or California...I feel like I'm having to wait on a lot, but at the same time I feel like I shouldn't wait & should just go because I'm wasting my time.

People keep asking me what I want to do...to be honest...I want to perform. I want to dance & I want to act. I won't tell anybody that though because then I feel like I'm pressured to do something awesome or else they'll laugh at me. & then there's that fear of not making it or that I'm not trying hard enough or not taking the right steps. If I don't get to perform however, I'd love to be working the camera.
If that doesn't work out...I could be an awesome house wife...& I've thought about opening a formal/wedding/pageant/prom dress shop...I dooo love dresses. But I still won't feel like I've accomplished anything & that I've failed to reach other people's expectations of me...& mine.

My ultimate dream job though to be honest...what I might could see me doing, maybe...I'd looove to be on a weekly show...like a funny light show that everybody keeps up with from week to week. I'd LOVE it. You become this character, the audience gets the feeling they know you, you possibly have a steady job for a few years, and a good income (if it's a good show). I'd be in heaven.

BUT as of right now...I'm waiting...waiting to move into a new apartment...waiting to hear from a possible internship...waiting to see if I should get a job instead...waiting to move away...waiting to do something. & I'm going NUTS.

NEXT RANT SESH SUBJECT: Alcohol.

Some [Post]Secrets I've Saved